Even when it hurts

In order to ever lead we must first serve. We must humble ourselves to a place of servanthood, before we step up to a place of leadership. Of course this is far easier said than done. Unpaid jobs, stacking chairs, waking before anyone else to serve: selfless living comes at a cost, and it's often uncomfortable, but it's a characteristic great leaders need to acquire. 

Despite the fact that I wasn't getting paid (and having to endure 13-hour days) I was happy working on an unpaid internship earlier this year. It's because I love to serve people that made it so enjoyable. There's something about giving your all, even when you're not paid to- giving your all, even when it hurts- that satisfies the soul. God opened the door for me to work there, I was making great connections and loving the tasks that were laid down before me. 

When it was my time to leave I felt utterly peaceful about the next avenue God was going to send me down. My soul lent into Jeremiah 29:11 and I trusted Him for new doors to be opened. All until I started to look on the internet (side note: Googling will never, ever help any situation you're in). So please, learn from me and don't do it. As I began to casually Google the place I had previously worked at, I discovered that another unpaid employee had been offered a job there. A job I would have so loved to have. But they were offered it instead.  

Am I not good enough? What did I do wrong? Endless questions scurried through my mind, submerging my soul with fear, worry and what seemed like an unending brokenness. I began questioning God, telling Him how I truly felt and asking Him why it wasn't me who was offered the position. 

My heart resonated upon this beautiful verse, "Trust in the Lord with ALL your heart and lean not on your own understanding," which is found in Proverbs 3:5. And (this is my favourite part) "if you acknowledge Him in all your ways He WILL (notice it doesn't say 'He might'; it commands, certifies promises that he WILL) direct your path." In other words, during this season of me not understanding what was happening in my life, God was giving me an opportunity to trust Him all the more. Though I didn't understand the plan God had scripted for me, this verse reminded me that the author of the universe wasn't staying distant. He was in it all. And all I had to do was trust. 

God didn't promise that this world would be easy, but He did promise that His word will remain steadfast. That during our time of weakness we will be made strong. The truth is, life isn't a breeze. It's tough. We lose people that we love. We suffer. Our tears often seem unending. But, even when it hurts beyond comprehension, so much that your hurt numbs your body, there God is. At the centre of your soul, rooting for you to not give up. He owns the skies but still He wants your heart. 

I want God on my worst day just as much as I want Him on my best day. Even life hurts, and I don't understand (because often I don't) I want Him residing within me forever and always. When my lungs cry out for help I know God is listening, ready to rescue me. If your heart is broken, you'll find God right there (Psalm 34:18). Because, when something is broken and hurting it can only grow stronger. Sometimes the bad things that happen in our lives put us directly on the path to the best things that will ever happen to us. You may feel weary or lost, or be hurting. But remember this: there is a God who loves you, and He is only going to use you more! It's a reckless love too wild to understand, but that's what makes it so beautiful. Because, even when it hurts, still then will He carry you.